Calm, Cool, Collected and Consistent
S. L. Crum, B.S., M.S., Ph.D.

Calm, cool, collected and consistent: this is my mantra for parents dealing with the annoying, disturbing behaviors of their disabled children. Still, most parents don’t understand why this mantra is so important. So, I thought I’d try to explain.

You can’t discipline your child effectively until you FIRST deal with your own stress. It is similar to being in an airplane. The steward always tells you to put on your own oxygen mask in an emergency before helping your child. The same principal is true in the area of behavior management. If you aren’t managing your own behavior, you can’t manage your child’s.

“What do you mean? I don’t have behavior problem?” I will wager that you do, and just don’t know it because you don’t recognize it. But, think. Have you yelled at your child and regretted it? Thrown you hands up and walked away in frustration? Have you written a yahoo group and said: “Help”? If so, you do have a problem with adaptation (which is another word for behavior). Adaptation is the way we adjust to and handle stressors in our environment. When behaviors are are a possible adaptation, we feel calm and peace. When, they aren’t we experience stress and it’s terrible consequences.

Ding, ding, ding – it’s a fire!

So, let’s explore how we adapt to things we find frightening or threatening. Well, first we find out that our child has punched the kid next door and that their very large and angry father is on the way over. Well, our heart rate, blood pressure and respiration all skyrocket in order to supply our muscles and brain with more oxygen so we can run away; only we can’t. Blood flow increases to the stomach, kidneys, skin and liver just in case it becomes necessary for us to punch the father. Then, our sexual and immune functions are suppressed. Who cares if we might get a cold when we are getting plummeted? Natural fats and sugar production increases t provide our organs extra energy (which when we don’t expend running away or fighting, is conveniently stored as fat). In short, our nervous system is completely revved up. If we try to find out what happened from our child right now, it is very likely that we are going to shout at them, which will then trigger the same sympathetic nervous system response in them and prime them to have a temper tantrum, to slam a few doors on the way to their room, or to swipe at a sibling. Yep, no need to address our own behavior before addressing our child’s: we just love escalating the situation.

So, what else is going on in our bodies? Well the hypothalamus (that part of our brain which controls the autonomic nervous system) secretes two neurohormones: corticotrophin-releasing hormone and thyrotrophic-releasing hormone; both of which stimulate our pituitary gland. Once stimulated the pituitary secretes adrenocorticotropic hormone which excites our adrenalin glands (part of our kidneys) causing them to secrete corticoids: adrenaline, noradrenaline, cortisone and thyroxine. As you can see, a virtual hormone storm is brewing. The thyroid is also stimulated by the thyroid-stimulating hormone to secrete thyroxine. Gonadotrphons are secreted which causes the reproductive glands to produce less hormones. The adrenaline and noradrenaline secreted by your adrenal glands speed your heart rate more, increase your blood pressure more, and cause you to breathe more often and more shallowly. The corticoid now affects our emotions, so that we feel increased fear or anger without even knowing why. Yes, fearful and angry, now is the time to deal with our kids.

So now, in this state, we decide to spank our defiant child. Guess what, since our child’s system is now flooded with adrenaline, this physical insult causes endorphins to be produced by their brain. These act as natural opiates that robustly relieve pain and cause our child to experience positive emotions; unintentionally and ironically rewarding the child with a feeling of elation for the negative behavior which set off our own biological roller coaster.

Now, I am not blaming parents. The fact is that as soon as we see or feel something which threatens or excites us too much, this set of physiological reactions begin. The process is switched on without our will or intention. But, we can interrupt this process, so that we can react out of thought instead of emotion. To learn how to do this you need to practice yoga, exercise, meditation, prayer, relaxation training or biofeedback on a consistent basis so that we can quickly move from a stress reaction to a relaxation response. Pick the method that you prefer. They all work when practiced regularly.

Stress, stress and more stress

Now when you repeat this whole scenario repeatedly, with frequent and strong stressors, you may develop severe endocrine disorders. Over secretion of hormones can adversely affect your brain tissue, which in turn may fail to send roper signals to the pituitary. The whole process turns into a vicious cycle which can cause not only endocrine disorders, but also mental disorders. In fact, chronically triggering the stress reaction can lead to a whole range of physical disorders and life threatening conditions.

Interestingly, this alarm phase that we have been discussing o=normally last for only a few second. Then we move into the second stage of our stress reaction, known as adaptation. Now the pituitary stops that large secretion of hormones and the effects of the alarm lessen a bit. Eventually the sympathetic and parasympathetic system return to normal balance, but this takes quite a while. And, the symptoms of the alarm phase last long after the original stressor disappears. So, the big hulking neighbor is gone, but, you, you are still fuming. How could you son act like that? He has been taught better? How many dam times do I have to go over it? When is he going to learn? Why can’t he be like other kids?

But, we eventually begin to adapt to the stressors that are present. You begin to put things in perspective; the impact upon you is less strong. The problem is that everyone’s organism has finite resources to adapt to stressors; and every time you have to adapt it is like withdrawing adaptive cash from your bank account, but never putting any back. You eventually exhaust those resources. When that happens, you become less able to cope, less equipped to adapt as necessary to the situation. That is why we need to make continuous deposits to our adaptive bank account through yoga, prayer, meditation, exercise, relaxation training or biofeedback.

I’m so exhausted

But, if we don’t pray, meditate, exercise, do yoga, practice relaxation techniques or use biofeedback, what happens to us? You know, it is not by coincidence that so many parents of disabled children complain of exhaustion, fatigue, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia or depression. The last state of the stress reaction is exhaustion! At this point, reserves are depleted, one feels tired. You don’t have strength to deal with any stressors and you become immobilized physically and mentally. The more often you go through this cycle, the more chronic each of these conditions become. Now realize, that while you are feeling all of this. So, is your child. As a result, they don’t want to go to school, don’t want to do homework, don’t want to do chores. They just want to “veg”. That is watch TV or play video games. And, if you try to talk to them about their behavior, they either withdraw or sulk. This is why I advise parents to hold off and have their discussions the following day. At the time, just give whatever consequence is important; and to make certain that your consequences are reasonable and fair, have them predetermined. For instance, if your child has a habit of stealing, the predetermined consequence will be a written and verbal apology and earning money to replace what was stolen, and maybe an essay on stealing. It will have all been reviewed before and be on the choices and consequence chart. So, all you have to say is: “You know the consequence for stealing. You will begin tomorrow” Then, walk away and calm down. Having the choices and consequences chart also goes a long way toward helping you be consistent in both your rules and your discipline; a key factor if you want your child to learn what is expected and what will happen when expectations are not met.

It’s not in your head

With chronic stress, you and your child will begin to evidence long term effects. Often these begin with sleep problems, headaches and stomach irritation. Since it requires about 20 minutes for our muscles to relax after a stress reaction, you can easily understand how you get sore neck and shoulders. Since the hormones slowed down the release of stomach acid and stimulated our colon, we may get the runs. But, the same hormone interfere with sleep, which causes part of the brain to overwork and negatively affect complex functions such as memory, planning, attention, sense of time and verbal fluency. So, each stress reaction reduces your ability to handle your job responsibilities and your child’s ability to handle school and chores. Lack of sleep also causes your brain to produce lower levels of hormones such as human growth hormone, which causes you to age. You may also find yourself clenching your jaw or grinding your teeth with resulting headaches and dental problems.

Your cardiovascular system gets into the act too. With chronic stress, your blood vessels have trouble expanding to meet the needs of increased blood flow. And, of course, to deal with your stress you may elect unhealthy coping mechanism such as smoking and eating high-fat foods, increasing your risk of cardiovascular disease. Naturally, your immune system is compromised by stress. You produce more chemical that cause inflammation and fewer healing chemicals because cortisol is constantly being released into your system , thereby keeping the immune response turned off and making you and you child more susceptible to colds, viruses, bacteria. Now having your child home sick, and feeling poorly when you have to go to work, just adds more stress and worsens the cycle.

To complicate matters further a byproduct of all that cortisol is that it acts as sedative contributing to feelings of being sad, irritable, having a loss of interest in friends and activities, weight gain, sleep disturbance and feelings of hopelessness. Which of course, contributes to lack of exercise, and all the problems associated with impaired sleep, furthering the chronic stress cycle. Anxiety or unexplained feelings of dread or apprehension may also appear, and with it physical symptoms of heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness and irrational thoughts.

If left unchecked, chronic stress will contribute to even more serious health problems for you and your child. So, the key is to put a stop to the stress reaction; and to minimize the likelihood of it being triggered initially.

So what do I do?

One of the best ways to help yourself and your child is to begin a joint walking program. What? Yes, I said a joint walking program! You can walk alone and get benefits for yourself, but, walking with your child gives a double level of benefit. This is because a major cause of conflict between children and adults is a child's poor ability to self-modulate. As adults we have reached the level of formal operational thought which means we can consistently anticipate the consequences of our actions, and if we are healthy, we can control our impulses. This is not the case for children. This is especially not the case for children with impulse control disorders or inattention or mood deregulation. Children need assistance modulating the expression of their feelings.


Children are less adept at verbal communication than adults and so often cannot work out their anxieties and frustrations verbally. This problem can be significantly exacerbated in children with special needs who have language, attentional or thought processing disorders. For this reason, physical activity is a more significant means of self-modulation for children than it is for adults. And, of all the physical activities available, walking is one of the best. It is low impact, free, and readily available.


Walking regularly will help you and your child, build and maintain healthy muscles, bones and joints, as well as control weight and avoid the problems associated with obesity. It builds physical stamina, and in the process realistically increases your child's self-esteem as they feel more coordinated, more balanced, and stronger. Psychologically walking reduces feelings, of stress and anxiety, while building confidence in their own flexibility, and stamina. If parents walk with the child, it also becomes of peaceful time of bonding and sharing.

To help you and your child develop the habit of daily walking, make the walk interesting. As you walk, you might play I Spy. Or you might try to identify all the edible wild plants you can find, or look for tracks of various animals. You might walk three blocks and then stop to Simon Says. Or, you might stop at every corner to do a different type of physical exercise. Alternatively, you might do different motions while walking - hopping, skipping, jumping, walking sideways, and walking backwards. One type of walk my children always love is the scavenger hunt. I make a long list of items that they try to collect as we walk. Another is the "Litter Bug" walk where we carry bags and litter pickers and try to collect as much litter as we can.


Walking is also an excellent way to teach important lessons. Your child should learn to walk towards oncoming traffic; which is the same way they should ride a bike and which makes it easier to escape a possible kidnapper. They should carry flashlights and a cell phone so they are prepared for an emergency and wear some sort of I.D. Preparing these items gives an opportunity to discuss and reinforce a range of safety practices. Walks need to begin and end with stretches, which will teach your children about protecting their muscles when doing all sorts of exercise. Walks provide an opportunity to point out landmarks that will help your child avoid getting lost if they are ever by themselves. They also provide a chance for you to introduce them to a few neighbors where they can go in the event of danger, as well as an opportunity to introduce them to important professionals in your community. From walking my daughter knows how to get to town hall and who to talk to there. She knows where the fire department is and the firemen's names. She knows how to get to the emergency room, as well as to her pediatrician's office. Yes, for those of you who are wondering? We do a lot of walking, about five miles a day when the summer sun doesn’t prohibit it.

Walking Meditation is an excellent way to you and your child learns and practice self-modulation. When you and your child do walking meditation, it is important to understand that there is not an end goal. The process of the walking meditation is the end in and of itself. You don't need to hurry or to accomplish something specific. This is a time to focus on enjoying the environment around you - the sights, the sounds, the smells, the textures, and the temperature

Children enjoy singing or chanting while doing a walking meditation. If you would like this and don't have any readily available, you might want to check out these links:

LINK 1 Or LINK 2

Bye the way, if your child’s behavior is such that your are stressed by walking with your child. Then, walk without your child. You need to remember, put your own oxygen mask on first. Then, assist your child. So, as I said when we began: Calm, cool, collected and consistent.


Presented as a community service by,

Susan L. Crum, B.S., M.S., Ph.D.
Special Needs Coach
Able2Learn
Email: Able2learn@live.com
Voice and Fax: 863-471-0281
Website: specialeducationsupport.org