“Helping your Child Develop Healthy Friendships with Peers”
By Judy Levin, Ed.D. and Carol Miller, LCSW
Social Bridges™ Social Skills Training Program

Even before baby classes, play groups or preschool, the family is where a child has his first social and group experiences. Within the family, he first learns how to join a group by getting involved when his siblings are playing ball. Within the family, he first learns how to negotiate and compromise. Within the family he first experiences what happens when he loses others’ good will by taking over, being bossy, having a tantrum, etc. Within the family he first sees that people have natural differences and to be tolerant or accepting of their differences. Like athletic or artistic ability, we are all born with differing degrees of “people skills” or social cognition: the understanding of things that are social.

Social Cognition helps you
• use your mind to form (and maintain) good relationships with other people
• choose, make, and keep friends
• talk right and act right with other people
• get along with others
• know when you have said or done something wrong
• to be aware of when people like you (or not)

We first learn about social cognition from our families. For example, when as a parent I play “Chutes and Ladders” my child just knows we are having a grand time. However, as we play, I am modeling social skills; showing her that we need to talk about the rules so we both know the same way to play. I am teaching her to wait her turn. I am encouraging her to be resilient and to stay in the game when she is almost at the finish line and lands on a chute and slides back to the beginning. I am modeling or showing her how to be a good sport by congratulating her; I am giving her a “high 5” when she wins the game. All of these I do without thinking: a mother playing with her daughter. They are also all examples of how as a parent, I teach my child the social skills needed to make friends and be a good friend to other children.

Every parent can help their child to be socially successful. Here are some simple guidelines to weave into your everyday family interactions to help your child connect and interact successfully with their peers:

1. Model positive social interactions within the family.

2. Play with your child in a peer-like way for the sake of having fun (which also means you should not let your child win if they are losing the game.

3. Within your play, teach and practice the skills your child will need to be socially successful.

4. Provide opportunities for your child to play with peers (parent monitored).

5. Allow older children (pre-kindergarten and older) to practice handling social situations on their own.

6. In the car or at the dinner table, include social interactions with peers in your everyday conversation.

7. Teach your child to evaluate the impact of her social decisions and the consequences of her behavior.

8. Encourage positive solutions to the social dilemma.

9. Practice accurately reading and responding to social cues (body language, facial expression, tone of voice).

10. Foster resilience – help your child to deal with the disappointment and rejection of social setbacks.

11. Parents can help children learn how to independently handle social dilemmas with their friends by first learning to resolve problems within their own family (with siblings, cousins, etc.).